i’m currently elbow-deep in a breakup. and since i’m the one doing the breaking, it’s one of those impossibly nuanced procedures where you have to navigate with brain surgeon precision; one wrong move and it can (at least feel) fatal.
i hate freaking breaking up. it sucks and it’s annoying as hell.
(not that hell is all that annoying. i would consider it more horrendous gnashing of teeth, poking of eyeballs, massive 3rd degree burns).
you give and give of yourself. hoping for the best.
giving up secrets and deepest thoughts.
hoping that the other can truly, really SEE you.
(will anyone ever really SEE me?)
i tried to call it off this week. i practiced and practiced my lines.
“i’m just not feeling it anymore”
“this has all been really great, but it turns out it’s just not working …”
” … but i need something different”
“this is my firm decision, i’m sorry.”
of course the actual delivery didn’t go quite as planned, and it turned into a lot of hemming and hawing. backpeddling. and trying-not-to-injure.
and for a moment i actually did question if i was making the right decision.
i left with a promise that i would continue to think … and of course pray … , and that we would talk soon.
but as soon as i walked away, i knew. and immediately berated myself for not just sticking to my guns and ending it then and there.
the next morning, i worked up the nerve and made the phone call.
and as luck would have it – i got his voicemail. (phew).
“i’m so sorry …”
and then he voicemailed back,
“okay. but i think it would be helpful if we could just see each other one more time …”
i didn’t respond, but we both know we will each other next week, after the holiday weekend.
and i’m soooo annoyed.
this guy thinks he knows me, and perhaps he does understand a certain side or portion – possibly more than i understand myself.
but he can’t (and refuses) to see the whole picture. which is about 50% of the dealbreaker.
and the most infuriating part of it all, is that he will leave thinking that he is right and I was the one who just couldn’t handle it.
and so i will see him next week. and repeat what i have told him multiple times before, about why this-just-isn’t-working.
and he will respond like he usually does … making me feel like i’m running away instead of protecting myself.
during this time i’ll be writing him one last massive check; including the $150 50-minute fee for this last-chat.
think carefully kids. craft your goodbye message well.
breaking up with your shrink is hard to do.
(but oh-so liberating)
xxoo.
