it seems fitting that on ash wednesday, i would get a hearty spiritual spanking. God, in his infinite grace and mercy, allowed me a small glimpse into the real state of my heart. this time, instead of blowing/laughing/shrugging it off, i actually stopped to take a peek. and my hyper-spiritualized, super-seminary-christian- self was, well … horrified.
you see, i had fun lunch plans with two good friends – KM and JS. we were to meet at the bottom of rockefeller center, by the stbx, as the clock struck 12:3o, to eat, laugh, pray and catch-up on all the juicy details of our lives. i got there a bit early, due to the new kwick-line at hale and hearty, which offers their favorite pre-packaged hot (120 degrees! guaranteed!) soups at a convenient self-serve booth by the register. large 10-vegetable soup, crackers and a stamp all in 3 minutes. a midtown lunch record! so i took it upon myself to score us a table, which is no small feat, mind you. hundreds upon hundreds of tourists and midtown lunchers. 50 tables. you do the math.
luckily my contacts were rotated correctly (toric lenses, people) and my asian eagle eyes spotted a man packing up a two-topper. i patiently stand 1 inch behind him, as he loads up his backpack, ready to throw my coat over the chair the second he stands up. done.
after the adrenaline of the hunt wore off, i then remembered that i had TWO friends joining me. hmmm. sizing up the table, i decided it would be a tight squeeze, cool breeze … plus, i only had one other chair. double hmmmmm. as i was in deep contemplation about my situation, i caught a slight movement out of the corner of one of my asian eagle eyes, the round four-topper table right beside me was getting up! without even thinking, my superior hard-ass new york city reflexes kicked in, and i literally dove for it as the group was leaving. no, really, i dove into the chair. with all my stuff. and my soup.
then i looked up … and into astonished faces of a family of three (mom, dad and teenage daughter) who were waiting for that very same table. tourists with fanny packs around their waists, cameras around their necks and one big worn out, exhausted aura surrounding them all.
pope gregory said that all sin is consummated in three ways: suggestion, pleasure, and consent. suggestion comes through the devil, pleasure through the flesh, and consent through the will. in the course of 2 worldly seconds the devil suggested that this was MY table, and i quote “screw anyone who wasn’t fast enough to claim it as their own”; then i took pleasure in the fact that i was more on my game than they were. i WON. my will quickly followed, consenting, because an instant after i met their faces, my eyes unfocused as if they weren’t even there, and i looked down, intent on doing something really super important on my blackberry. and the family slowly moved over to my abandoned two-top, with a missing chair.
disgrace upon disgrace of the Kingdom, the mom then asked me if she could have one of my chairs (at this point KM and JS were still nowhere to be seen). without even looking up, i said muttered a loud “no”. and so this poor, older woman, with a fanny pack, had to walk across the concourse and drag a chair back 500 feet, for herself. and i just sat there, head down. and my soul began burn.
shortly after KM arrived. happy and sparkling. we hug and i whisper desperately, “we can’t pray. we can’t pray. we absolutely cannot pray and bless our meal. i just stole this table from that family (jerking my head backwards) and i feel so badly and they just cannot know that we are Christians, or well, that i am a christian. please. we can’t pray”. KM surveyed the situation and calmly responded that the whole thing was absolutely absurd, and we were very well still going to pray. i then resorted to begging and pleading. “what should i doooooooooo?????” but duh, I knew what I had to do. I knew the second I realized they were waiting for the table too. and so, after another 3 minutes of building up my courage, i turned around, looked them all in the eye, one by one, and apologized. they were much more gracious than me – a bit stunned (they actually all froze in disbelief, the teenage daughter, staring at me, openmouthed, mid chew) – but gracious, refusing my plea to switch and accepting my apology with kindness.
and so God reminded me the value of Christian community, and of a faithful friend who encouraged me to do the right thing.
i also got a refresher in what it really means to really, truly repent, and ask forgiveness, even if it’s from a random stranger and for a situation that by all accounts of the world, really didn’t warrant a full out apology.
i don’t really observe the lentent season like some – with ashes and a 40 day facebook fast. but never the less, i do want my life marked by humility and repentance, especially as i begin to prepare my heart for the Holy Week and remembering Christ’s death and resurrection for my sins – like taking a lunch table away from a sight-seeing-worn family. a girl in my small group says that each night she tries to reflect on the fact that the person she treated most poorly that day was how she treated Christ. amen. xxoo.
