Don’t Just Do: Reflections on Lausanne 2010

One of the more popular sayings rolling around the North American church these days is the classic “Preach the Gospel; use words if necessary.” I’ve said it myself, blithely inserting it into conversations with friends about troubled co-workers, or difficult family members. The essence of the quote (which has wrongly been attributed to Francis of Assisi; the actual origin is unknown) is well meaning, especially in light of the fact that today’s Evangelical Christian is burdened by a stereotype of fire, brimstone and hate.

To repair some of the damage done to the name of our faith, we’ve tended to shy away from directly proclaiming Christ crucified. Instead we choose to roll up our sleeves and dig wells, raise money, swing hammers, and generally try to be nice, relevant people.
Don’t get me wrong, this is all good. Very, very good. Christ cares immensely about unjust conditions and physical suffering. In fact, one of the ways He has called us to show His love to the world is through tangible actions. Our hearts should sacrificially overflow for the poor, marginalized, homeless, sick, orphaned, widowed and hurting.
But perhaps in an effort to regain our credibility to the world, we’ve gone too far the other way—not using words of truth and love enough. At Lausanne 2010, a global congress on world evangelism, the conversation flowed around just that. Why does there exist a tension between doing and speaking the Gospel?
For someone whose life and ministry exists in a very comfortable (in the larger, global perspective) setting of New York City, I was convicted as I listened to testimony after testimony of people who willingly sacrificed everything, even their lives, for the preaching of the Gospel. I began to think about something that perhaps we tend to forget in our quest to be relevant—the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Doing and Saying has so much more punch.
If my mom had not lovingly spoken words of truth into my life when I was young or if in the late 60’s Billy Graham had not called my mother to repentance, or if our church Fathers—Luther, Calvin, Aquinas, Augustine—had not given us eloquent expressions of our faith, if Paul hadn’t proclaimed Christ crucified or if Christ had only healed and performed cool miracles… where would the church be today?
It was John Piper, who spoke at one of the morning plenary sessions, that brought it home for me when he asked us, “…could the global church say ‘for Christ’s sake we Christians care about all suffering. Especially eternal suffering?’” Could it be that through action and silence we care more for the earthly needs of those we serve than their eternal needs?
I want to be a part of a church that is known for its care and love for our city and the world. I want us to be a church that, as Dr. Keller repeatedly says “Our unbelieving neighbors would say ‘They add so much value to our lives that if Redeemer left New York, the city would have to raise taxes.’”
I also want all of us, not just our pastors, to be people that are famous for proclaiming Christ crucified and backing it up with an overwhelming abundance of love and action.
Together, we must learn to marry the concepts of social good and speaking truth. To truly fulfill Christ’s commission, we cannot have one without the other.

don’t cry: breaking up is …

i’m currently elbow-deep in a breakup.   and since i’m the one doing the breaking, it’s one of those impossibly nuanced procedures where you have to navigate with brain surgeon precision; one wrong move and it can (at least feel) fatal. 

i hate freaking breaking up.  it sucks and it’s annoying as hell. 
(not that hell is all that annoying.  i would consider it more horrendous gnashing of teeth, poking of eyeballs, massive 3rd degree burns).

you give and give of yourself.  hoping for the best.  
giving up secrets and deepest thoughts. 
hoping that the other can truly, really SEE you. 
(will anyone ever really SEE me?)

i tried to call it off this week.  i practiced and practiced my lines.
“i’m just not feeling it anymore”
“this has all been really great, but it turns out it’s just not working …”
” … but  i need something different”
“this is my firm decision, i’m sorry.”

of course the actual delivery didn’t go quite as planned, and it turned into a lot of hemming and hawing.  backpeddling.  and trying-not-to-injure.
and for a moment i actually did question if i was making the right decision. 
i left with a promise that i would continue to think … and of course pray … , and that we would talk soon.
but as soon as i walked away, i knew.  and immediately berated myself for not just sticking to my guns and ending it then and there.

the next morning,  i worked up the nerve and made the phone call. 
and as luck would have it – i got his voicemail.  (phew). 
“i’m so sorry …”

and then he voicemailed back,
“okay.  but i think it would be helpful if we could just see each other one more time …”

i didn’t respond, but we both know we will each other next week, after the holiday weekend. 
and i’m soooo annoyed.

this guy thinks he knows me, and perhaps he does understand a certain side or portion – possibly more than i understand myself.
but he can’t (and refuses) to see the whole picture.  which is about 50% of the dealbreaker.
and the most infuriating part of it all, is that he will leave thinking that he is right and I was the one who just couldn’t handle it.

and so i will see him next week.  and repeat what i have told him multiple times before, about why this-just-isn’t-working.
and he will respond like he usually does … making me feel like i’m running away instead of protecting myself.
during this time i’ll be writing him one last massive check;  including the $150 50-minute fee for this last-chat.

think carefully kids.  craft your goodbye message well. 
breaking up with  your shrink is hard to do.
(but oh-so liberating)

xxoo.

psychobabble

some things that i wonder about, from time to time:

1.  why the guy at the gym always wears his mirror-lensed-aviators while pumping iron.  (note:  the midtown outpost of my gym is in a basement).

2.  if the old man i see on the train to work everyday, who is dressed in a hale and hearty delivery uniform – works because he has to, or because he wants to. 

3.  what it would be like, to be really super old, and live in manhattan. 

4.  what it feels like to be free:  from yourself, from the emotional bondage that ties you to other people, from your past.

5.  how much it costs to run a deli cart, and stock it with donuts.

6.  what would happen if i really did follow through, just once, on one of my BIG ideas.

7.  what it would be like to have perfect pitch, and a rockstar voice. 

8.  what would happen if i cut out refined sugar and carbs completely out of my diet for 6 months.

9.  has anyone ever died from cutting out refined sugar and carbs completely out of their diet for 6 months? 
9a.  if not, would i be the first?

10.  how it’s all going to turn out …
(xxoo.)

a call to confession and repentance

it seems fitting that on ash wednesday, i would get a hearty spiritual spanking.  God, in his infinite grace and mercy, allowed me a small glimpse into the real state of my heart.  this time, instead of blowing/laughing/shrugging it off, i actually stopped to take a peek.  and my hyper-spiritualized, super-seminary-christian- self was, well … horrified. 

you see, i had fun lunch plans with two good friends – KM and JS.  we were to meet at the bottom of rockefeller center, by the stbx, as the clock struck 12:3o, to eat, laugh, pray and catch-up on all the juicy details of our lives.  i got there a bit early, due to the new kwick-line at hale and hearty, which offers their favorite pre-packaged hot (120 degrees! guaranteed!) soups at a convenient self-serve booth by the register.  large 10-vegetable soup, crackers and a stamp all in 3 minutes.  a midtown lunch record!  so i took it upon myself to score us a table, which is no small feat, mind you.  hundreds upon hundreds of tourists and midtown lunchers.  50 tables.  you do the math.  

luckily my contacts were rotated correctly (toric lenses, people) and my asian eagle eyes spotted a man packing up a two-topper.  i patiently stand 1 inch behind him, as he loads up his backpack, ready to throw my coat over the chair the second he stands up.  done. 

after the adrenaline of the hunt wore off, i then remembered that i had TWO friends joining me.  hmmm.  sizing up the table, i decided it would be a tight squeeze, cool breeze … plus, i only had one other chair.  double hmmmmm.  as i was  in deep contemplation about my situation, i caught a slight movement out of the corner of one of my asian eagle eyes, the round four-topper table right beside me was getting up!  without even thinking, my superior hard-ass new york city reflexes kicked in, and i literally dove for it as the group was leaving.  no, really, i dove  into the chair.  with all my stuff.  and my soup. 

then i looked up … and into astonished faces of a family of three (mom, dad and teenage daughter) who were waiting for that very same table.  tourists with fanny packs around their waists, cameras around their necks and one big worn out, exhausted aura surrounding them all. 

pope gregory said that all sin is consummated in three ways:  suggestion, pleasure, and consent.  suggestion comes through the devil, pleasure through the flesh, and consent through the will.  in the course of 2 worldly seconds the devil suggested that this was MY table, and i quote “screw anyone who wasn’t fast enough to claim it as their own”;  then i took pleasure in the fact that i was more on my game than they were.  i WON.  my will quickly followed, consenting, because an instant after i met their faces, my eyes unfocused as if they weren’t even there, and i looked down, intent on doing something really super important on my blackberry.  and the family slowly moved over to my abandoned two-top, with a missing chair. 

disgrace upon disgrace of the Kingdom, the mom then asked me if she could have one of my chairs (at this point KM and JS were still nowhere to be seen).  without even looking up, i said muttered a loud “no”.  and so this poor, older woman, with a fanny pack, had to walk across the concourse and drag a chair back 500 feet, for herself.  and i just sat there, head down.  and my soul began burn. 

shortly after KM arrived.  happy and sparkling.  we hug and i whisper desperately, “we can’t pray.  we can’t pray.  we absolutely cannot pray and bless our meal.  i just stole this table from that family (jerking my head backwards) and i feel so badly and they just cannot know that we are Christians, or well, that i am a christian.  please.  we can’t pray”.  KM surveyed the situation and calmly responded that the whole thing was absolutely absurd, and we were very well still going to pray.  i then resorted to begging and pleading.  “what should i doooooooooo?????”  but duh, I knew what I had to do.  I knew the second I realized they were waiting for the table too.  and so, after another 3 minutes of building up my courage, i turned around, looked them all in the eye, one by one, and apologized.  they were much more gracious than me – a bit stunned (they actually all froze in disbelief, the teenage daughter, staring at me, openmouthed, mid chew) – but gracious, refusing my plea to switch and accepting my apology with kindness. 

and so God reminded me the value of Christian community, and of a faithful friend who encouraged me to do the right thing. 

 i also got a refresher in what it really means to really, truly repent, and ask forgiveness, even if it’s from a random stranger and for a situation that by all accounts of the world, really didn’t warrant a full out apology. 

i don’t really observe the lentent season like some – with ashes and a 40 day facebook fast.  but never the less, i do want my life marked by humility and repentance, especially as i begin to prepare my heart for the Holy Week and remembering Christ’s death and resurrection for my sins – like taking a lunch table away from a sight-seeing-worn family.  a girl in my small group says that each night she tries to reflect on the fact that the person she treated most poorly that day was how she treated Christ.  amen.  xxoo.

On Procrastination.

the theory of studying is actually quite different from the practice and discipline of it.  and  now that i am in the thick of preparing for an early church midterm exam, a spiritual gift which has been too long latent and forgotten, has pushed its way back in to my life, front&center.  ah, how i’ve missed you, gift of procrastination!  right now.  i mean RIGHT NOW, i am supposed to be studying – working through my notecards, practicing the essay questions, memorizing dates, people, places!  64AD, 110AD, Tertullian, Cyprian, Origen, traducianism, adoptionism, the hexopola!!!! 

and now,  let us count the ways i procrastinate.  learn from the best, boys&girls.  and the best is moi.

1.  staring off into space:  usually i am surrounded by all of my study material open – ready and waiting (bonus points if notecards are in hand – midflip).  the actual staring part usually happens before i actually start studying, or 3 – 8 minutes into it.  it’s around then that i realize that i have ALL DAY (night, afternoon, 2 hours, etc) to study.  so, slowly my eyes unfocus, and a running dialogue with myself regarding my current procrastination status ensues.  duration:  10minutes – 3 hours.

2.  facebook:  the first thing i do, when i settle down for a long study session is log onto facebook.  if you are my friend (eh, i’ll admit it, even if you aren’t my friend) i probably know everything little thing about you, per fb and have looked at every single one of your photos.  oh, and there are some people who need to quit playing farmville, seriously.

3.  gmail:  the second thing i do, when i settle down for a long study session is open up my gmail.  i like to use this time to carefully read through my inbox, then respond in-depth to friends, family and acquaintances.

3a.  refreshing gmail and gmail notifier:  don’t want to miss a really super important email, the instant it comes through!

4.  snacking:  the last thing that i want to do is study on an empty stomach.  i need all the brain power i can get.  so i usually like to snack on things, like stbx eggwhite wraps, fruit cups, dry roasted almonds, twizzlers, skittles (separating them by color, of course), hot tea, fountain sodas (which i can get at the 7-11, a short walk down the block), m&ms, chips&salsa. 

5.  bathroom breaks: good hydration while studying is super important.  so i like to continously sip on water, peppermint hot tea and fountain diet cokes.  i have a small bladder and  it’s really hard to concentrate when you have to go, real bad.

6.  stbx homeless ministry:  i will blog more about this later.  but i feel it’s my christian duty.  can i help it if the need just happens to arise at my local stbx, while i’m studying?

7.  surfing the internet:  nytimes.com, drudgereport.com, perezhilton.com, nymag.com, curbed.com, eater.com, gospelcoalition.org, macrumors.com, likecool.com, etc.

8.  beatrice babycakes:  sometimes when i’m studying, i’ll notice that beatrice has some gook in her eyes that need to be washed out immediately.  or that she’s lonely and depressed and i must throw her toy at once.  or that her fur needs to be combed and trimmed.

9.  dvr cleanup:  when i decide to study at home, i usually like to check that my dvr is not near capacity.  with my new study / work / social / commitments schedule, i don’t have the flexability to be home when my shows air.  so i like to utilize my dvr, and it fills up fast!  would hate to miss a new episode of Kell on Earth or Grey’s (yes, i still watch grey’s) or american idol or the office or 30 rock or real housewives or law&order or …

10.  blogging:  as you see, this is my first post in a real long time.  no accident that it comes during a critical point in my midterm exam studying phase.  but i miss you guys!!!!!

xxoo!

i lay it down …

now that i’m an official seminarian, you have to believe every thing that i say.  why?  because i speak with the authority of someone who is in seminary and knows.  so there.  it absolutely doesn’t matter that i’m only 2 weeks into my first class … and already behind.  dOOd.  the required reading list for the class is 8 books long!  and let me tell you – the Rhyme Bible isn’t on it.  the week before i left for ptown, i started getting all the books delivered, piecemeal.  as each package arrived, i ripped it open like a toothless 5 years old on christmas morning, to see which title was inside.  glorious history of church I information!  waiting to be read, internalized, synthesized and regurgitated in the form of a bazillion page paper and three tests!  that is, until i realized that NONE of the books had pictures.  and they were all printed in that for-smart-people-scholastic font that would make “clip clop.  clip clop.  the donkey is brown.  joseph and mary go into town” (the rhyme bible, matthew 3) hard to read and understand.  as the titles, such as “A Scholastic Miscellany:  Anselm to Ockham”, written by men long dead piled up on my desk … my back started sweating and i wondered how in the world i was going to keep up with all the housewives (of the OC, NJ, ATL, NYC, DC).  don’t get me wrong.  church history is the bee’s knees.  i’m super excited to learn all about it – juicy detail to juicy detail.  the problem i’m running into is that i will now have to exhibit some time management discipline. which, apart from gluttonous deli cart discipline, is my achilles’ heel.  i am procrastinator extraordinaire.  i rock at putting things off and off and off.  then frantically throwing it together in the last hour.

lots of the time when i pray “Lord, please edumacate me”, i’m always referring to other people.  like, “Lord, please give me more wisdom than Sally who thought it was a good idea to date that ‘really nice wiccan’ “.  and “Father, I ask that you would teach me how to be smarter than everyone else in my Project Timothy group”.  and “Jesus, let me know some good things to say to my small group.  like stuff they really need to hear” – i know that God gives a polite little sigh.  so, lately i’ve been trying out something a little different.  instead of telling God what I think I need, I’ve been asking to reveal to me what He wants me need, love, desire, want and where He wants me to grow, mature and be humbled.  skary!

*************

in key largo, i did a little experiment and successfully read two whole pages of Bainton and watched Access Hollywood … at the same time!  i had a friend quiz me later that night on both subjects.
Seminary:  Nero blamed the early Christians for some fire in Rome.
Access Hollywood:  Tiger Woods and Jessica Simpson had a private moment.
see?  i. can. do. both.  yes. i. can.

*************

who knew that with my seminary edumacation, i would get a life lessons thrown in for free.  God likes to give value for the money.  no more padding my free time with reality TV, facebook and staring off into space.  i know it’s going to be hard.  but i’m hoping to that this will be the kick-in-the-butt i need to start using my time, all of it!  more wisely.  i know that this is just a season in my life – study! study! study!.  but this has been an embarrassing wake-up call on something that sneaky sneaked into my life so subtly that i didn’t even notice it until now.  and something that even after i have earned my m.div with super high smarty pants honors, will always be on my radar and not so ROUTINE.  that way, at least when i sit down to watch a bravo marathon of the rachel zoe project on a sunny saturday afternoon, i understand what it is i’m exactly doing.  xxoo.

sometimes things change, sometimes they don’t

i realized that it’s been quite a while since we’ve last connected, when it took me 3 minutes to remember how to create a new post.  sigh. 
***HELLO!  how aRe yoU?***

before we get started, i would like to throw out a disclaimer:  i’m currently typing this with only 1.04 eyes.  i woke up this morning. (yes, i woke up).  and shuffled into the bathroom to put in my contacts.  left eye.  check.  right eye.  holy mother freaking burned like a foretaste of a literal fiery hades.  i have no idea what was wrong, but i squeezed my eye shut and went with it, thinking that it would subside.  plus i had to get beatrice to the 92nd street petco to get her fur did, before i left for work.   so no time to think too hard about possibly going blind.  fast forward a couple of hours.  eyes still mildly burning and eyesight = foggy.  and then of course, as i’m taking off my nail polish (yes, in my office) i shake the bottle and a HUGE drop of nail polish remover splashes DIE-rectly into my right eyeball.  holy mother freaking felt like a foretaste of satre’s hades.  i ran to the bathroom and flushed my eye out for 15 minutes, while chatting politely with a co-worker who was doing her business.  i ended up making an emergency appt with my optometrist.  who looked at it with her special eye- light, concluding with a snap of her click pen, that it was totes dry.  i was sent off with super eyedrops, a rx for antibiotic eye drops ”just in case”, and the directive not to wear my contact for 48 hours.  sha right!  obviously she doesn’t realize that my glasses are direct evidence of the fall.  they are satan’s glasses.  so here i am.  only one eye working.  blogging to you. 

i have a friend coming to stay at my apartment while i’m away for the holidaze, so last night i was searching for a good hiding place for my diary, when i stumbled upon my past three.  i spread them out on my bed and stared at them – the whole “adult abby diary” series before me.   i picked up the first one – the inaugural entry dated april 2002 and started reading.  feeling slightly guilty, like i was sneaking a peek at someone else’s private journal.  as i flipped through the pages, i recognized the handwriting, but sometimes not the person.  and i sank into the knowing of just how far – and how little – i’ve come over the past 8 years.  there were lots of prayer requests that now, in the last days of 2009, i could check off as “answered!!!”.  i felt relieved, satisfied, happy.  and i told God that He was big, and mighty and sovereign.   but then there were lots of other things that, save the particulars of geographic location and people, were the same.  i felt discouraged, annoyed, mad.  and i said to God (rhetorically), “seriously?????”  and wondered how these things fitted into His “big, mighty and sovereign”.  i know that they do … but sometimes it’s just hard to feel. 

about a year ago, i was with my best friend, chanting “everything will be fine in 2009!” and as we drove around the cold, dark, sparkling streets of indianapolis, i knew we were both wishing and hoping for things that a new year could bring.  now looking back – we understand that things didn’t really turn out the way we both wished and hoped.  some for the good, some for … the good.  because i know that it can’t be anything else.  God is good.  which means every up&down, laughter&tears, the heartjoys&heartache is good.  and so i would like to give some mad props to 2009.  for stretching, growing, strengthening, breaking and teaching me.  as you grow up  you realize that life never goes the way of carefully laid plans.  reading through 8 years of journal entries reminded me of that undeniable fact.  and so what do you do, other than cling to the ultimate sovereignty of God and searching out the jOy in it.  i believe that you can sob with just as much jOy as you can laugh.  i’m blissfully looking forward to 2010.  even though it means that i’ll be 33.  gasp.  here’s to fresh starts.  and promise of renewal.  merry christmas. xxoo.

tick tock. (i was not raptured).

Clock Signhello friends.  i’m finally emerging (no … nOt emerGent) from under a pile of seminary applications, essays, PT studies, google group creating, RENEW duties and one nasty birthday-cheddar-biscuit-coma. with my new-and-improved schedule, i probably won’t be able to post daily – at least for the near future … but will be back on here on a regular basis.  sweet!  i missed my blog.  see you all soon! xxoo.

hoRtoN

finky finkstra

this week i got to have a mini-sleepover with my two favorite girls dasia (left) and samia (right) (with, of course, their mom, finky finkstra (center) - one of my college BFFs). aren’t they all pretty????  the remigailo’s are in town for a wedding, but came a night early to see moi! which meant that i got to sit by dasia at dinner (and carry her home!), hold samia until she started crying, play preschool itouch games, and inventory all of the “fun stuff” (which included a large pack of orange tic tacs.  dasia got two, i only got one) in her new purple and pink butterfly princess backpack.  it’s crazy how much i absolutely love my all of my BFFs kids.   ugh!  hugs!  kisses!  snuggles!

finky and her family are missionaries in africa.  they are hard core and crazy cool.  i remember sitting on the dorm room floor in olson hall, talking to finks about cute boys, weekend plans, when EXACTLY we were to make our apperance at the DC and how she wanted to grow up and be a missionary.  last night i sat across the table from her and her perfect-for-her husband, damon, talking about cute boys, weekend plans, and about how i am so.so jealous of their distinct and clear calling to be missionaries overseas.  oh, just to have their confidence!  they KNOW without a DOUBT that they are doing what God wants them to do.  

(sometimes i think it would be “easier” (in so many ways) if God wanted the same thing from me.  a hut in ethopia). 

and i’ll tell you this much.  i consider myself a sort of a missionary-in-training.  currently my mission field is nyc.  theirs is freaking AFRICA.  whatever.  anyway, we all love Jesus.  but they LOVE Jesus.  in ONE night they shared Christ to more people than I have in, um, the 6 years i’ve lived here.  sad, huh?  and it wasn’t the creepy, evangelical hard sell either.  they just were nice and friendly to everyone.  since people generally aren’t that nice and friendly in nyc, at least to perfect strangers, these hardened new yorkers always assumed (in this case, correctly) that they were from out-of-town.  “where you are you from?”  damon, “oh, we actually live in africa”.  skeptical new yorker, “oh, really?  you’re a long way from home.  what do you do there?”  damon, “yeah.  ha, ha.  we work for an NGO …” the conversation continues, amicably, culminating in damon fearlessly handing them a small tract with information about their organization.  in my horror, and surprise, it’s always accepted with interest and respect.  wha??????  i was seriously put to shame. 

i need to stop seeing nyc as my playgroud and start seeing it as my missionfield.   lesson learned, and this time finks didn’t even have to give me “the LOOK”.  xxoo!

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